why do i even still like boys? :'(

wannhhh *sniff*

i looked so cute today. got a lot of compliments and a boyfriend request lol. but was it from any guys i actually like? nope. turned it down.

a guy i do like who i saw tonight seriously made an effort to not look at me at all. why?

whatever. unrequited like/love is for chumps! :'(

meanwhile, i'll be trying my best not to fall for you

relationships, man. i wanna avoid them. people act super retarded when they're in them, and of course i'm including myself. it's so hard to think straight when your brain is doped up on oxytocin.

like a drug, really. getting people high and making 'em go through withdrawal when it creeps away. and all junkies think about is how they wanna end the bad feelings and get some more of that good shit so they can get back to rollin' balls.

i've finally got my head clear enough to see how stupid i was and how i never wanna be like that again. but ugh, as much as i hate it, i keep catching myself getting slightly cloudy-headed at times. what's the point of kickin' the habit if all you wanna do when it's over and done with is re-read the same old poem?

i dunno :/ humans are so irrational.

sexual orientation tiem!

on one of my facebook statuses, i said i would write a blog about what i consider myself to be. i went to bed at like 8 and woke up super early. with nothing else to do and no one to talk to, i guess i'll write about it now.

i see sexuality in terms of like...degrees. imagine a line where -50 is completely heterosexual and 50 is completely homosexual. and i guess 0 is for people who really don't give a crap about gender. i feel like we each differ on where we fall in that line.

so if anyone just flat out asked me what i consider myself to be, i would say straight. i am soooo attracted to guys haha. they may be feminine looking sometimes, but i love 'em just the same.

however, there have been a few girls i've met who have made me feel "funny." that's all i can really say about it. you know the nervousness you feel when you're around someone you like?

i can appreciate teh ladies, but i never like 'em like i like guys; except for those aforementioned exceptions. and even when i liked them, it was never like "damn, i wanna get with that," like i can be with dudes. it was more like, "damn, i wanna hold her." and the girls were always androgynous or like a combo of femininity and masculinity.

if you're reading this and thinking, "wow she's really confused," that's cool. cause i am. my life and understanding of myself at the moment can be compared to one of those big wheels that someone spins to try and earn something on a game show. it's still spinning and i'm not sure where it'll land. and just when it's about to, some annoying person runs up and spins it all over again.

it's so many things that are like that right now. i keep changing my mind about everything: who i wanna be, how i wanna act, who i'll let myself have feelings for. i feel like someone just threw a moonstone at me recently and i'm still evolving. KUDOS TO ME FOR BEING ABLE TO MIX POKEMON WITH THIS BLOG POST.

anyway...i hope i explained it pretty well even with my awesome uncertainty. things are pretty complicated, but i like it that way. and i'm still the same ashlee that you love :D

and for anyone who's wondering (like my mom), i've never felt funny around arielle. or betsy. sorry guys. you're my bffs, but no. *hug* i do actually kinda like someone right now, but it's a guy.

a one woman kinda guy?

he is not. lol i almost got played, too. good thing i caught myself.

what a smooth talker. but his words are as empty as my damn wallet!

boo, you whore.

i am NOT straight edge.

i kinda get upset when people try to label me as straight edge when they find out i've chosen not to drink, smoke, or do any other sort of drug.

"oh shit, she's straight edge!"

no. i will try to explain now why it irks me.

to me, straight edge is just a trend. i feel that the majority of people who call themselves straight edge only do it because it was once a fad long ago. or they do it just to seem holier than thou. kinda like a bunch of nonconformists coming together to conform in order to nonconform. what??? exactly.

i seriously know of one dude who was straight edge years ago. got a tattoo for it. now he drinks and smokes and whatever, and had to cover up his tattoo. unfortunate for him.

listen. i haven't chosen to not do these things in order to be a part of some sort of hxc subculture. i've chosen it for personal reasons. and then i get shit from both sides because of it.

people who don't like straight edge kids assume i'm a stuck up dick. someone who will look down on them or criticize them for things they do.

straight edge kids get upset when i'm not doing everything it takes to be straight edge. especially when it comes to sex.

stoooop trying to categorize me, ok? you just can't. you need to get to know me and simply refer to me as "ashlee." so let's get a little out of the way right now.

• i don't smoke. don't drink. and you can't convince me otherwise. there may be a time where i may decide to try drinking, but i can't say if that'll happen. and i would rather not ever be drunk.
• if i ever talk to you negatively about using shit, it's because i care and you're hurting yourself.
• i'm a romantic. i believe in love, i do. but i don't knock off the idea of casual sex either. people can enjoy themselves however they seem fit as long as they're healthy and happy.

there you have it, folks. it's been a long time comin. sorry if i offended anyone. we can discuss these things if you disagree with anything i said. i don't mind.

heeeellllp

too many guys trying to get with me at once. i'm going into dick overload. bout to freak out. they're all over me.

stop!!!! can't you just talk to me cause i'm fun? instead of just when you're hard?

i'll blog more coherently later. i need to lay down.

keep out of jail, kids.

i am kinda wiggin out right now.

if you didn't know, i'm a facebook stalker extraordinaire. i can find people that i've met before even if i can't remember their names. yes, i'm that good.

i was searching and searching for this guy i had a crush on waaayyyy back in elementary school. i just couldn't find him anywhere, which is weird because everyone who's anyone has a facebook these days.

so for grins and giggles i searched an online registry for criminal offenders and bam, there he was. i couldn't remember his last name until it appeared on a list, and when i clicked the link, there was his photo as clear as day. i hadn't seen him in person for well over a decade, but i recognized his eyes immediately. it was pretty damn scary.

drug related offense, of course. and i think possession of a weapon. that dude is locked up until at least 2014.

it weirds me out because...i mean, at one point we were on the same path. we were in elementary school, but still. and at one point i had silly kid feelings for him. what did that guy get into to put himself where he is now?

i hate seeing friends who i feel are making those same mistakes that this guy did. people who are just stuck, but don't see themselves killin their chances because whatever they're doing in the moment feels too good for them to care about. how else does it start, ya know?

i'm not trying to judge. i want people i care about to be safe and smart. but damn, 2014? jesus.