i see sexuality in terms of like...degrees. imagine a line where -50 is completely heterosexual and 50 is completely homosexual. and i guess 0 is for people who really don't give a crap about gender. i feel like we each differ on where we fall in that line.
so if anyone just flat out asked me what i consider myself to be, i would say straight. i am soooo attracted to guys haha. they may be feminine looking sometimes, but i love 'em just the same.
however, there have been a few girls i've met who have made me feel "funny." that's all i can really say about it. you know the nervousness you feel when you're around someone you like?
i can appreciate teh ladies, but i never like 'em like i like guys; except for those aforementioned exceptions. and even when i liked them, it was never like "damn, i wanna get with that," like i can be with dudes. it was more like, "damn, i wanna hold her." and the girls were always androgynous or like a combo of femininity and masculinity.
if you're reading this and thinking, "wow she's really confused," that's cool. cause i am. my life and understanding of myself at the moment can be compared to one of those big wheels that someone spins to try and earn something on a game show. it's still spinning and i'm not sure where it'll land. and just when it's about to, some annoying person runs up and spins it all over again.
it's so many things that are like that right now. i keep changing my mind about everything: who i wanna be, how i wanna act, who i'll let myself have feelings for. i feel like someone just threw a moonstone at me recently and i'm still evolving. KUDOS TO ME FOR BEING ABLE TO MIX POKEMON WITH THIS BLOG POST.
anyway...i hope i explained it pretty well even with my awesome uncertainty. things are pretty complicated, but i like it that way. and i'm still the same ashlee that you love :D
and for anyone who's wondering (like my mom), i've never felt funny around arielle. or betsy. sorry guys. you're my bffs, but no. *hug* i do actually kinda like someone right now, but it's a guy.
hahaha i had to laugh about the pokemon thing and don't worry im not offended that you dont like me like that lol i mean, we're bffs since kindergarden. and im glad you like a guy. still love u ashlee love
ReplyDeleteBaby You're a Taurus...we're the Jacks of all trades. We can do all and be all we want. I'm my age...LOL and I still love to go to school and learn new things and see what it is that I can do next. I have "girl friends" that are very masculine as well I know where you're coming from. I've just embraced who I am and know I have no limits for I am human and only I can put a capacity to what it is I do. I've come to terms with it. I love that I can wake up one morning and totally reinvent myself. but I'm grounded and it makes all the little things I do that much more great, I take nothing for granted and as long as I know that what I do is right with me no one else can tell me anything. It falls on deaf ears. Love yourself no matter what you are today or will be tomorrow, cause at the end of the day it's still you.
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