dear beautiful mixed man with the dreads

those long, beautiful dreads, UGH. what a gorgeous, gorgeous man. and when you told me that you're mixed black, puerto rican, and french, i just about died. that's my thing, man. mixed guys with long hair.

just wanna say that it sucks that you're back in new york. i don't know why you even decided to visit fredericksburg. i'm pretty certain that i'll never see you again.

but if in a few years, you find yourself without a life partner but desiring kids, you need to HIT ME UP. MM. our kids would be, i mean, Jesus. so willing to bear your children.

love,

ash

creepy yet true story

when i was two, i went to new york with my dad so that his side of the family could see me. somewhere along the trip, a lady put a curse on me. apparently she was jealous. i don't know of what. it seems like something to shrug off, i know, but my dad didn't. he got together a bunch of different things for some sort of ritual to lift the curse, but of course it freaked my mom out. she wouldn't allow my dad to go through with it. i suppose she was more afraid that what my dad would do could hurt me in some way. they're both christian.

anyway, i've often wondered just what exactly the curse was...not saying that i believe in it. they say something like that can't have power over you unless you give it power (if you believe in it). but what if i was cursed? with what? i bet i could make some guesses haha. what do you think?

but in one of my earliest memories, i recall laying on a bed in atlantic city and looking at the window curtain and noticing a pair of eyes. just staring at me. i think i just ended up falling asleep.

but some years later, i saw those eyes again as i passed through the hall in a different house. i looked towards a window and saw those eyes. just glaring. they didn't fade; they stayed and watched. i grabbed my mom and told her to go look for herself. she didn't see them. she just laughed and said, "i guess those eyes are just for you."

well, that's my creepy story before i pass out thanks to this nyquil. but eh, i'm just kinda waiting to see those eyes again...i feel like i'm past due for those bitches.

i'm sprung

oops, taken. damnit, not again! i'm going to do it right this time.

by waiting until i don't anymore. take your time, but i'll probably be long gone by conclusion.

in other news, i went on a date last weekend. his name was chris? i forget what he looks like. he just tried to get into my pants and i didn't bother saving his number. shame shame. NEXT.

i'm not a player, i just...crush a lot.

"why don't you drink??"

whenever someone asks me that, the question almost always seems as if it is dripping with disdain. it's as if they were asking, "what the fuck is wrong with you?" then i get the usual guesses.

it's just not the norm to abstain from drinking. i know that, and i have my reasons. if you cared enough, then i would tell you the reason why. to change the conversation, i usually just say, "i've had bad experiences with it."

the fact that it can be a social necessity sometimes bothers me. people who are drinking are uncomfortable around me, the sober one. i might be judging. i will be able to recount the next day all of the stupid shit you did. frankly, it can get lonely being the only sober one (when there's nothing to laugh at), so i can get uncomfortable too, ya know. what to do, what to do?

but i read a joke once by some anon who also didn't drink. it makes me feel better. they questioned why it's always such a big deal to know why one doesn't drink. because no one ever makes such an issue when someone confesses to never eating something like mayonnaise.

"you don't eat mayonnaise? why?? would you ever try mayonnaise? are you addicted to mayonnaise? is someone you love addicted to mayonnaise? is it ok if i eat mayonnaise?"

barely legal babes

this blossoming summer has brought into my work place a new wave of eighteen year old hotties just waiting to be nommed on...and have their hearts broken by me, ashlee: cougar in training. enjoy your little high school sweetheart while you still can. YOU'RE NEXT!

i'm gonna go see my dad soon

you know what happens when you take a ribbon or something and slowly wind it around your finger til you can't anymore, then let it go? that's what i feel like at this point in my life. shit is spiraling out of my control and i often find myself unable to think up a solution to set things straight again. i dunno what to do. i'm lost as shit. so...

it's been over five years since i've seen my dad. or heard his voice. if soulmates can be things other than romantic partners, then i believe that my dad and i are soulmates. i just feel an intensely strong attachment to him and always have. saying goodbye was always hell, and he wasn't even around often at all. i love him with everything in me, and i miss him terribly.

i feel like it's time that i finally see him. for years he refused, because he didn't want me to see him that way, which is understandable. but i think it's possible that it hurts me more to not see him...all i know is that i'm hurting the way things are now, and nothing i'm doing is changing that :/

however, seeing my dad will without a doubt turn me into an emotional wreck for a period of time. i know i won't be able to drive myself, so i asked joan of asia to go with me. if anyone can handle a breakdown, it'd be her. i love her for that. i'm happy that she said yes, and now we're planning. i just really hope that this is what i need. i've become so overrun with stress :( i need him.

he has no idea

how badly i wish the two of them would break up. but...he's not the one i want.

this blog is about you.

what a sleaze. how many people are you trying to go through? you're a liar. you cheat. and on top of that, you expect sympathy from your friends when you don't deserve it. for the life of me, i can't understand how they have been able to forgive you. look at yourself. look at who you've hurt. sorry to say, i'm not a forgiving person. you never really did me wrong. never gave you the chance. but what the hell is this where you can do the things you've done and get away with it?? fuck that! it's grudge holding time, and i'm damn good at it.

yes, this is about you. no, it's not about him. not her either. you. COME AT ME, BRO!!

a relationship..

sounds good. i just don't know with who. i miss being genuinely liked...the other stuff gets kinda boring eventually. but i also want to be able to not fall for the same type of guy that's just gonna hurt me. pretty, but a d bag. usually a ho. sucks.

but in the mean time, i still have my chocolate and peanut butter.