i'm gonna go see my dad soon

you know what happens when you take a ribbon or something and slowly wind it around your finger til you can't anymore, then let it go? that's what i feel like at this point in my life. shit is spiraling out of my control and i often find myself unable to think up a solution to set things straight again. i dunno what to do. i'm lost as shit. so...

it's been over five years since i've seen my dad. or heard his voice. if soulmates can be things other than romantic partners, then i believe that my dad and i are soulmates. i just feel an intensely strong attachment to him and always have. saying goodbye was always hell, and he wasn't even around often at all. i love him with everything in me, and i miss him terribly.

i feel like it's time that i finally see him. for years he refused, because he didn't want me to see him that way, which is understandable. but i think it's possible that it hurts me more to not see him...all i know is that i'm hurting the way things are now, and nothing i'm doing is changing that :/

however, seeing my dad will without a doubt turn me into an emotional wreck for a period of time. i know i won't be able to drive myself, so i asked joan of asia to go with me. if anyone can handle a breakdown, it'd be her. i love her for that. i'm happy that she said yes, and now we're planning. i just really hope that this is what i need. i've become so overrun with stress :( i need him.