you love me, and you've seen me, and you know me!

I'M OLD GREEEEEGGGGG!!!  I GOT A MANGINA!!!

okay, got my old gregg quote out of the way.  i watch that video whenever i need a pick-me-up, and right now i kinda really need one.  i know things fall apart, but it doesn't mean it doesn't suck.  things have changed over the past few months, but the negative is outweighing the positive.  i mean, really, life?  rude.  sad.  but mostly rude.

been workin out on a good schedule since i started workin at the gym seven months ago.  i've definitely noticed my body changing.  my tummy has gotten flatter, but my butt has too, NO!!!  i'm starting to see some abs, awww yea.  rockin the sexy shoulders with le seleveless shirts and dresses.  legs...still fat, but they've always been stubborn.

although working out has made me feel better about myself in some ways, i find that if i can't find time for it, i feel really crappy.  so now i feel like i could never just stop.  this has actually affected my job search as well.  what have you done to me, zumba?

ever said sorry just to lessen the duress of something?  maybe you didnt do anything wrong, but the weight presses down harder anyway.  so you say sorry, to anything and everything.  im sorry, just don't get any heavier.  at this rate, i'm gonna fall over.  but it doesn't let up!  wtf did you do to make it so angry?  rude.

i had planned to start my family at the age of 27.  i made this plan when i was 15.  LOL jk.  i'm 24 now and that'd give me like two years to find someone, fall in love, and get knocked up.  and i can't even afford my own life.  so unless a miracle falls out of the sky, or out of some online dating site or bar, or out of my own hardcore resolve, it looks like i'll be waiting until i have a higher chance of coneiving a child with down syndrome.  means i'mma be over thirty, y'all.

i wish i could swim.

don't lie to me, boy

those who are honest and genuine, come hither. as i get to know certain people more, i just feel more sad. when i know someone is lying to me, or hiding how they truly feel or whatever, it's such a drag. but then i wait and see how long they'll take me for a jackass. it's either hilarious or depressing. i can count my real friends on one hand. i count my blessings on many though.

these last few weeks have been a serious nightmare. when i found out that my car got hit, i just sat stunned. somehow i knew it was going to turn into something stressful. but damn, even i didn't think it would knock me completely off of my feet. i lost my car. been staying at arielle's since it'd be easier to get back and forth to work. being so in need has made me into a burden for a few people. when you ask someone for help and they get irritated, it is the shittiest feeling. i hate being an inconveniece and detest feeling indebted. but it's shown me who i can really count on, which i guess i can appreciate, though the number is way smaller than i would've liked.

i had to quit guitar. i could cry whenever i think about it. the one thing i promised i would never give up no matter what. hopefully i can pick it up again soon. but i'm losing everything at once. square one is for the birds. dunno why this happened to me...

anyway...i'm gonna refresh craigslist for the millionth time. i'm almost at my worst right now. but if you run from my company when i'm this way, then stay the hell away from me when i get all my shit together and am my normal badass self. bitches.

"ashlee's lookin at older guys!"

"THANK GOD!" -betsy love.

everyone knows that i'm naturally drawn to those younger than me. like 18-21 is the age range that i've been going on dates with. i don't know why. when we go out to eat, they can't pay for me cause they most likely don't have a job. the majority don't have a car. one even asked to borrow money from me. not to mention that a relationship is pretty much out of the question. it's just been crappy. but they're so exciting to me for some reason.

when i turn around and go on dates with guys who are 24-26, it's so different. they insist on paying for me. they have careers, what? and cars, huh? i think i feel kind of intimidated. they're better off than me with their own places and masters degrees. sometimes i feel like they're stuck up. i guess i feel like i lack control with an older man. if they took care of me, i'd feel indebted somehow. i dunno.

dating is so weird. i still can't fight the desire to go to a club and meet a sexy, young guy who i know will ultimately treat me like crap. but i guess i should give it a whirl, so...here we go again.

i'm an asshole.

yesterday i went over to joan of asia's house while her mom was preparing a dish for dinner. it looked tasty, it smelled tasty, and it was tasty. i asked her what the name of the dish was. since her accent is a bit heavy and i'm a bit of an asshole, i assumed that she was saying the name of the dish in her language. i kept repeating after her trying to get the name just right.

"unh tai to? anh...anh thai tol?"

"she's saying 'untitled'". -joan of asia

now that i actually have a boyfriend

i don't think i remember how to be a girlfriend. it's been almost two years. flowers and feelings and all that shit, right? i guess i'll wing it-fingers crossed.

aw, here it goes.

"what do you expect these days?"

i got all play/actually pissed off during a costume contest tonight. my friend arielle and i were dressed up as mario and luigi and we decided we'd sign up for the contest for kicks, knowing full well that we wouldn't win. we knew that to win, you'd have to be a scantily clad female. despite knowing what would happen, it didn't stop me from getting agitated by seeing the final females barely dressed with lingerie. shit, two of them didn't even have the standard bunny/cat ears. they just had bra and panties, perhaps a garter belt, and an unbuttoned shirt. i guess they had dressed up as uhhh...well, the announcer called them strippers. didn't hear them disagree.

i don't think that i'm a feminist. i feel like the majority of women should feel the way i do about these sorts of things and that it's not an extreme view to have. some people might get annoyed by this post, but they can suck my balls. i'm not being a sore loser (although mario and luigi will always reign supreme), and i'm not just dissin hos. but seein a group of guys gather around and drool over a half-naked chick asked to drop it low and shake her ass is just...it's whack, yo.

in other news, i still haven't had any luck with guys. i've settled for saying "i'm looking for a relationship" on a first date/meet and greet/whatever with a dude just to make things clear and get em out of the way. the most recent dude i had to let go because he didn't wanna give up the freedom to basically be with any girl he wants when he wants i guess. i can't think of any other reason. if ya don't want in my pants, but don't ultimately want a relationship, ehhh something's not adding up. he apparently liked me, but not enough to commit. committing is not the in thing these days. and i wouldn't want you to miss out on the half-naked chick droppin it low and shakin her ass. by all means, be free. there has to be a guy out there who will appreciate me, love me, and want only me. he's there, damnit. sometimes i honestly feel like i've looked past him because of my own stupidity...

tool

i called you that from the beginning. you look like a tool. you talk like a tool. i dunno why, but i keep thinking that guys like you deserve at least a small chance. i feel like i'm different from the girls you're used to, so you should treat me differently. and when you don't, what does that mean? i guess i've become the same as them. i guess i deserve for you to treat me like i'm disposable :/