dear job applications and u.s. society in general:

this happens to me every time i fill out an application.

it all goes swimmingly until i get to the last page. you know, the one where you fill out info that will be used SOLELY for statistical purposes.

RACE AND ETHNICITY.

cool. hispanic or latino? check.

black or african american? check.

wait...it says not hispanic or latino in parenthesis. uhhh ok....i'll just check them both. i can't check both? wtf.

oh, whew, ok. there's an option here for two or more races (not hispanic or latino). DAMNIT. help me to understand exactly.

i can be latino, but i can't be black at the same time. is that how it goes? even though apparently one is an ethnicity while the other is a race? america, i think you are very confused. or i'm very confused. or we both are.

are we still stuck a few decades back where mixed people just didn't happen or weren't discussed so much? this bothers me. you need to update your census info. people are for more complex than the few categories you try to throw them into. at least allow us to check multiple boxes!

i'm proud of all of the bits and pieces i am, and i'd like to show em off.

you're going to be super baffled when i start poppin out blasiarican babies! just sayin.

i've been through some pretty frustrating and trying things in my life...

BUT LOSING A POKEMON BATTLE STILL TOPS THE LIST, UGH!! half of my money gone? really? damnit bulbasaur, it was all riding on you!!!!

you've been had. this post is about nothing.

umm i just ate some super mario gummy bears. i only eat the bestest gummy bears.

thanks for reading anyway :3

when guys annoy us! (feat. betsy love)

betsy love and i wanna let some of you know just how annoying you can be and why!

A: come on. i need to shave and wash my hair. do we really need to shower together ALL of the time? i don't need you behind me poking my butt when i'm trying to get things done.

B: just wanted a peck on the lips and what did i get? your mouth open so i can't kiss your lips.

A: it would be a lot easier for me to have an orgasm if you quit asking me if i've already had one. so quit asking me!

B: i straddle you and try to be sexy and you want me off of you....whats wrong with you?!

A: pssht stop sitting around with your friends talking about how some girls give bad blow jobs. the worst blow job is no blow job. and that's exactly what you're getting.

B: drink most of my drinks or at least half of 'em

A: i love video games just like the next nerd. but do we really have to play call of duty again!?

B: farts in my general direction but the worst is in MY face. thats when i hate u most

A: i realize you just wanna make me feel better, but lying to me is not going to help. did you just tell me that i have big boobs? because i clearly do not. are you super retarded?

B: when you make fun of me, its not a little bit it turns out to be a lot. -_-

A: oh man. i can't believe you're trying to get into my pants when i'm upset. i think i hate you.

B: when i try on new clothes and i ask what u think.....u say its cute BUT YOUR NOT EVEN LOOKING AT ME -_-

A: you don't have money to pay my way, but you don't have money to pay yours either? i know times are hard, but damn! don't take me out if you're not really taking me out.

B: dont play evil tricks like thinking that someone stole your gfs keys

now stop it!!

how to help someone like you (ladies)

i've seen so many emo statuses lately...i feel like i should help out a bit. hahaha, just kidding :P

but yes, there are a few tricks i have up my sleeve for when i want someone wrapped around my little finger. i haven't used them in a while...but they tend to work, even if just slightly.

note: you can't make someone love you, duh. not even an all-powerful genie can do that.

eyes, eyes and more eyes

i cannot stress this enough. this is probably my favorite to use. ever heard of the lover's gaze? if two people love each other, then they are more likely to stare into each other's eyes.

however, staring into someone's eyes isn't just something two people who obviously like each other do. a person may actually find themselves more attracted to you if you look into their eyes long enough.

it's true! studies have shown it to be true. strangers rate each other as being more attractive if they are made to just sit and gaze at each other O.O

another thing is this: the bigger the eyes are, the harder they fall. i know you've seen lots of pics of chicks looking up and somewhere else instead of directly at the camera. it makes the eyes sorta pop out and look bigger, which equals more attractive. and duh, this is why some chicks cake on the eyeliner. ok, most chicks.

bigger pupils are also more attractive. people back in the day took belladonna (do NOT look that up on google images because that is a pornstar) to make their eyes bigger. but to get the same effect without getting whacked out on drugs, candlelit dinners work.

but didya know that if someone is attracted to you, their eyes will dilate when they look at you? (if their eyes contract, they might actually hate you :x whoops). so next time you're with that someone and you're not sure if they're really into you, check out their eyes. and bend their soul to your will while you're at it.

warning: although i've said it's a trick against someone else, sexy eyes will likely backfire and leave you crushin as well, if you're not already.

ovulating??

i hope you know what this is, lol. it's when your body releases an egg and is kinda chillin around for a bit and waiting to see if any spermies come along.

this isn't about getting knocked up! but let's keep it real. our bodies will def try to trick us into getting knocked up when we're most fertile.

ladies will be more aroused when they're ovulating. i mean, think about it. the more aroused you are, the more receptive you'll be to sex, and the greater the chances you'll get knocked up. yay, babies! it's a cruel game.

but here comes the awesome part. the pheromones you release while ovulating will make you seem more attractive. soo...chill with that someone while you're ovulating, duh! if you're in tune with your body, it shouldn't be that hard to find out when you are. i usually get a slight cramp from an ovary o.O that sounds weird.

if you're on the pill, i can't really give you any advice, lol. the pill prevents ovulation, and is also likely to decrease libido. :P sucks. but not as much as unplanned babies!

child-bearin' hips

sorry to say that most matters on attraction have to do with reproduction. i told you that our bodies were tricky bastards!

having a waist that's significantly smaller than the hips is considered more attractive to men. and it really is because child-bearing is easier on such women.

i'm not saying that you have to have huge hips. it's the ratio that counts. so play up on it. dress to flatter that area. but try not to look like a whore. only cause i'm asking nicely :D

also having a nice pair of boobs helps, but i am def not the person to go to for advice on that XD

scary movies!

if you're gonna sit down and watch a movie, make it a scary one. that's because attraction increases in periods of heightened anxiety. i'm not sure why exactly...lol. it also makes for a good excuse to snuggle :3

too much perfume is definitely not good

yea, i get that you wanna smell pretty. i most likely won' t think that you do because i pretty much despise perfume, but i bet you think guys like it. and it's true, sometimes they like it.

although our natural pheromones are what usually do the trick, smelling like b.o. isn't too fun nowadays. if you're gonna put on that amazingly scented lotion from victoria's secret, do it when dressed casually. if you're super dolled up, it'll have the opposite effect. trust the research, babe.

um that's enough for now. i can't tell you all my tricks and have you takin all the cute guys, BETSY.

and on a final note, you shouldn't really do these things with someone you don't plan to like back. ever had a lovesick stalker?? that's some scary shit!

hope it helps!

i made a mistake.

i guess i was too afraid to stand up and tell you that you were wrong.

i shoulda found all your alcohol and poured it down the drain, really. how much money did you spend on all that? you would have been so pissed off. i think my heart would break to see you yelling in my face.

but i would rather have that than...not. to have nothing and you not here is a daily torture, man. i'm in that hell hole with you. how could i not be?

anyway...i'm so exhausted. i have so many guys offering me...whatever. telling me i'm beautiful. telling me they have something for me. and i want it, and then i don't. and then i know better, and then i don't really want to.

i just want you here. i can't trust them but i trusted you everytime you said it. so come back soon, ok :'( you can help me fight cause you always did before. i need you.

funny moments in my life

1. when i was in middle school, some dumb dude had a crush on me. one day he cornered me against the fence on the playground and told me that i was gonna marry him. then he told me to kiss him.

i told him i'd rather kiss a dead moose's butt. then i punched him in the face when he tried to kiss me anyway. this is why i wasn't kissed until i was 19.

2. in 2nd grade, i really liked to hug people. including girls. one day my best friend and crush at the time started teasing me saying "ashlee's gay!" i went and told my teacher about it and she said "are you sure they don't mean 'happy'?"

i'm in second grade, but i'm not stupid. dumb bitch. anyway, i was weird about hugging girls for years after that.

3. once when me and my bf at the time were having fun, things got crazy and we flipped over the damn futon. it made an insanely loud crash. i heard his mom downstairs scream "what the HELL was that!?," and then she and his sister rushed upstairs to see if we were okay.

he cracked open the door, "do you really wanna know?"

"oh.....no."

4. that reminds me...i also put a blindfold on him, tied his arms up with a leopard printed belt, and paraded him in front of his sisters and other company. he deserved it.

5. a guy was hitting on me not too long ago. he seemed to really like me and was trying to get me to go out with him that night.

"do you drink?"

"nah."

"and you don't smoke either?"

"nope."

"oh you're a good girl, you don't want me."

then he told me to have a good day and left. at least he was honest?

6. when i was in school in a.c., i was known as the smart shy kid. we had a states and capitals competition one day. when it was my turn, the teacher said "wyoming." i shouted "cheyenne!," but pronounced it "shey-en-ee." they counted it as incorrect.

my team lost. i blamed myself and cried hard.

7. my rotty nala loved me, but was known for attacking people. a friend of the family's came over and really wanted to see nala. i stood beside her just in case and sure enough, my dog snapped and tried to attack. i jumped on nala and held her down while i screamed "GO, NOW!!!"

it was like a cool action flick.

8. years before i had nala, i had sheba-a half rotty. i also had a rooster. sheba broke loose from her chain and started to chase the rooster. i grabbed onto sheba's chain and held on for dear life in hopes of slowing her down so she wouldn't catch it. my mom cracked up at how my legs were flying like a rag doll.

btw a few days later my rooster went missing. a few days after that, i found its mostly eaten body. she also ate my cat. and my neighbor's groceries when they left the bags in the bed of their truck.

9. i used to like wrestling. i was wrestling this one guy and he really pissed me off somehow. i did this one move where i put his head between my legs, lifted him up by his waist and over my head, then threw him head-first into the ground.

a cement ground. he started crying and told me his "brain hurt." i and others present started laughing and from then on when we wanted to wrestle, we said, "wanna play brain ache?"

i could've killed that boy...so this one isn't actually too funny. and i can remember the sound the impact made. it makes me feel horrible when i think about it.

10. the dude above's sister got into a fight with a boy. a serious physical fight. punching and kicking and craziness. we had just gotten back to her house from walking from the store, where i had bought a pickle.

i tried to break up the fight by offering them my pickle.

geez, i tried to think up 10 things and it was difficult!! my life isn't very fun.

how to tell if ashlee LIKE likes you.

yes, i am in 2nd grade!

she texts/calls me whenever she's super upset

either i like you or you're a good friend, so either way, good job! the chance of me liking you increases if i text you because i feel badly about what some other guy did.

she has slapped my face numerous, numerous times

there is actually no other reason that i would slap your face. unless you're my brother ivan and i just wanna slap your face and run away quickly.

in public she follows me around like a puppy

it's kind of embarrassing and i don't realize what i'm doing until it's too late and everyone else has noticed, but this is a good sign. or you have some type of food on your person that i'd like to eat.

when i'm talking to an attractive person while she's nearby, she acts awkward

i always act awkward, but if i like you and you're talking to some other hot person, i act super awkward. like just kind of standing to the side without saying anything but looking at you like O.O lol.

if i show up near her when she wasn't expecting to see me, she'll have a panic attack

i hate when this happens! try talking to someone you like when you're shaking and can't breathe. my nerves suck.

actually, even when she expects to see me, she's always nervous and jittery for the first couple of minutes.

guilty.

i have given her a cookie on at least one occasion

yep i like you.

she doesn't talk to me at all and when she sees me in public she avoids me. nothing gets her attention anymore and she's always flirting with other guys now :( i think she hates me.

actually, no. if i like you that much, then i will do all of those things and send totally opposite signals. it's cause i like you but i don't want to (right now i kinda don't want the stress of liking someone too much), so i'm in the process of weaning.

and there you have it! the top signs that ashlee is totally crushin'. how to make me like you is a completely different story.

ivan doesn't know what rule 34 is.

hey, iv.

yea?

you know what rule 34 of the internet is?

yes.

nuh uh!

yea huh!

what is it, then?

yao.

yao????....what's rule 34?

it's gay couples.

where'd you find that out at?

i dunno, i was searching the webs and i saw a gay couple and it said rule 34.

that's not what rule 34 is, ivan.

what is it, then?

look it up.

*goes on google images* OH OMG!

you were supposed to look up the definition, not pictures!

oh, ok. oh. ohhh oh oh oh i oh i know what rule 34 is now.

what is it?

adult babies. brain wrapping. 4 chan. weeaboos, what?

i'm a terrible sister.

oh no he DIDN'T!

ohhhh hahaha man i am trippin'. there was this guy that i was flirting with a while back. he was all into me until i told him that i had only been with one guy.

he rejected the hell out of me when i told him! like hardcore. he said something like, "well it's been fun, but i prefer girls with a slutty side. kthxbai" and stopped talking to me.

i was like, pssht gladly, asshole. i don't want anything to do with you either, vd man. huge argument ensued. i almost had to kick his ass.

but the reason i'm laughing now is cause i just received a message from him months after the fact. "hey, how have you been?"

are you SERIOUS!? i'm wondering if i should ignore him or destroy him. what do you think?

users, man.

i'm a nice person usually. really, i am. if you sound like you're in need, i'll try my best to come running. and i'm thankful for those who would do the same for me.

but it's parasites that leech, suck you dry and then leave that just make my life hurt. seriously. the kind that linger around when you've got it like that, but when the good stuff disappears, they hightail it outta there. they still make you? a shred of dignity? no?

people like them make me not wanna trust anyone anymore. but then i'd be losing, right? makin good people go bad because they've been treated horribly time and time again.

not happenin, bud. keep usin me. call me only when you need something. take everything from me and leave me pickin up the pieces.

and when that day comes when you've got nothing and no one's answering cause you've used 'em all, know where i'll be? right by your side and helping your dumbass back up again. because that's the kind of person i am.

bitch.

i think i figured out why i like asian guys so much

most of the asian guys i've seen have really soft features in the face. feminine features. i really like that. and when they wear eyeliner...let's not even go there.

most of you know too that i have a huge thing for long hair. that's also usually a feminine feature.

i will be completely unattracted to a guy until he grows his hair out. or until i find out that at some point he once had long hair. like, no lie. i'll meet a guy in person and think, meh. then i friend him on facebook, see pics from the past when he had long hair, and it'll click in my head *wow...this guy is hot!*

what's wrong with me? in conclusion, i'm pretty much gay.

p.s.-the pic is of edward furlong. not asian. but he has all of the features i love. also note, this is before he got whacked out on drugs. he is ugly as hell now hahaha.

things are all different as hell nowadays

i'm weird. been doin' and thinkin' things i didn't think i could. if you asked me at fourteen whether or not i was against premarital sex, i would have said hell yea. if someone offered me a drink two years ago, i probably would have freaked out at them. it's stuff like that.

but i'm wondering if i'm being too open about certain things. ya know, like if my thoughts and feelings are in the wrong. it's getting to the point that i feel like i'm off track. my life has never lacked so much control and it's scary. i've still got my head on straight...if i'm even facing in the right direction. damn, i don't wanna be wrong. but i don't wanna not step out of my comfort zone either.

i dunno. i just want someone to step up and be like, "oh, hey. yea, you're doin' right. just keep goin' that way." or say, "meh, you should probably look thatta way instead." i just got out of a pretty painful situation and i don't wanna get hurt again any time soon because i didn't think clearly :(