my christmas wishlist

this is a list of everything i want right now.

anything pokemon

anything mario

an eye exam and new glasses

peanut butter and chocolate noms

anime and snuggle marathon

scary movie and snuggle marathon

learn how to play mario kart love song

full body massage

sincere apologies

hot oil bath with candles at night (lover optional)

surprise hug attack from jeff brown

video games with arielle and betsy

leche FLAN with joan of asia

trip to smithsonian or zoo

BIKO BIKO BIKO!

kisses from a puppy

spontaneous road trip starting at midnight with the sole purpose of getting lost as shit

surprise pizza

romance

and clothes.

if you read this, you must help me attain one of these things or i shall cry.

kinky hair 101

i really wanna write about hair because it's such a huge issue and i don't think that many people realize it is.

i have natural hair now. i've been growing my natural hair for going on two years (will be two years around christmastime). before that, like many other sistas, i relaxed it. i really liked my hair when it was relaxed. it was still moderately healthy and thick, and i thought i looked so sexy with my straight hair and bangs. everyone else liked it too.

therein lies the problem. i liked my hair when it was altered by harmful chemicals rather than the hair that came straight from my scalp. one day when i "needed" a relaxer, i ran my fingers through my hair. of course my roots had grown out quite a bit and i could feel my natural kinks comin in and the first thing i thought was, "ugh that's so disgusting. my hair is so nappy." i guess then it just hit me.

before even thinking about it, i had a friend shave it all off. it was such bullshit that i learned to believe that how my hair was naturally was something to be embarrassed by and something to avoid. i can't say i was ready to shave it all off, but i was going to force myself. i was gonna make myself have no choice but to love my crazy hair.

you might be wonderin what the big deal is. it's just hair, right? NO it's SUCH a huge deal to me. and to many other ladies. i believe our hair is a big part of our self-esteem, and i already had a crappy confidence level. you know what it's like to feel so unpretty already and then chop off one of the things you think straight up keeps you from being ugly?

what sucks is that even when i shaved my head, i was hoping that i would have curls like my dad's side of the family or like mixed people have. that's also such bullshit! i was disappointed when i slowly realized i didn't have those looser curls, and was disappointed in my disappointment. but like i said; i was just going to make myself learn to love it. and it's a process, but i'm much better than i was before. one day i'll really know how to handle my hair and i will sincerely think it is beautiful and that i'm beautiful.

a lot of ladies who go natural call it a journey. it really is. don't you think it's weird that it's so revolutionary for me to just let my hair grow as it's supposed to? but it is.

this is just the first of probably a few posts about hair.

(pic is of my beautiful friend carla who is growing her natural hair out! we have the same type, i believe.)

i gotta apologize to some dudes :(

blehhh i've been kind of a bitch lately. i know of a couple of guys who like me. presently, the feelings aren't mutual. however, i've said and done things that i believe may have lead them on, and i may have done these on purpose.

most of you know about the crap i went through at the end of my last semester in school. i was miserable feeling that i wasn't wanted by the one person i did. i'm over that and him now thankfully. but i guess to make up for it, i've been trying to keep a few guys chasing me so i could feel desired.

it's just mean, really. i know what it's like to be lead on and dropped off and hated it. unrequited feelings suck. and i'm sorry if i've done something stupid to mess with your feelings. i do care, and i'll try and be more honest now for others and myself.

but if i get crushed soon down the road, i'll know karma is knockin me on my ass for playing around with guys lol :/

why do i even still like boys? :'(

wannhhh *sniff*

i looked so cute today. got a lot of compliments and a boyfriend request lol. but was it from any guys i actually like? nope. turned it down.

a guy i do like who i saw tonight seriously made an effort to not look at me at all. why?

whatever. unrequited like/love is for chumps! :'(

meanwhile, i'll be trying my best not to fall for you

relationships, man. i wanna avoid them. people act super retarded when they're in them, and of course i'm including myself. it's so hard to think straight when your brain is doped up on oxytocin.

like a drug, really. getting people high and making 'em go through withdrawal when it creeps away. and all junkies think about is how they wanna end the bad feelings and get some more of that good shit so they can get back to rollin' balls.

i've finally got my head clear enough to see how stupid i was and how i never wanna be like that again. but ugh, as much as i hate it, i keep catching myself getting slightly cloudy-headed at times. what's the point of kickin' the habit if all you wanna do when it's over and done with is re-read the same old poem?

i dunno :/ humans are so irrational.

sexual orientation tiem!

on one of my facebook statuses, i said i would write a blog about what i consider myself to be. i went to bed at like 8 and woke up super early. with nothing else to do and no one to talk to, i guess i'll write about it now.

i see sexuality in terms of like...degrees. imagine a line where -50 is completely heterosexual and 50 is completely homosexual. and i guess 0 is for people who really don't give a crap about gender. i feel like we each differ on where we fall in that line.

so if anyone just flat out asked me what i consider myself to be, i would say straight. i am soooo attracted to guys haha. they may be feminine looking sometimes, but i love 'em just the same.

however, there have been a few girls i've met who have made me feel "funny." that's all i can really say about it. you know the nervousness you feel when you're around someone you like?

i can appreciate teh ladies, but i never like 'em like i like guys; except for those aforementioned exceptions. and even when i liked them, it was never like "damn, i wanna get with that," like i can be with dudes. it was more like, "damn, i wanna hold her." and the girls were always androgynous or like a combo of femininity and masculinity.

if you're reading this and thinking, "wow she's really confused," that's cool. cause i am. my life and understanding of myself at the moment can be compared to one of those big wheels that someone spins to try and earn something on a game show. it's still spinning and i'm not sure where it'll land. and just when it's about to, some annoying person runs up and spins it all over again.

it's so many things that are like that right now. i keep changing my mind about everything: who i wanna be, how i wanna act, who i'll let myself have feelings for. i feel like someone just threw a moonstone at me recently and i'm still evolving. KUDOS TO ME FOR BEING ABLE TO MIX POKEMON WITH THIS BLOG POST.

anyway...i hope i explained it pretty well even with my awesome uncertainty. things are pretty complicated, but i like it that way. and i'm still the same ashlee that you love :D

and for anyone who's wondering (like my mom), i've never felt funny around arielle. or betsy. sorry guys. you're my bffs, but no. *hug* i do actually kinda like someone right now, but it's a guy.

a one woman kinda guy?

he is not. lol i almost got played, too. good thing i caught myself.

what a smooth talker. but his words are as empty as my damn wallet!

boo, you whore.