now that i actually have a boyfriend

i don't think i remember how to be a girlfriend. it's been almost two years. flowers and feelings and all that shit, right? i guess i'll wing it-fingers crossed.

aw, here it goes.

"what do you expect these days?"

i got all play/actually pissed off during a costume contest tonight. my friend arielle and i were dressed up as mario and luigi and we decided we'd sign up for the contest for kicks, knowing full well that we wouldn't win. we knew that to win, you'd have to be a scantily clad female. despite knowing what would happen, it didn't stop me from getting agitated by seeing the final females barely dressed with lingerie. shit, two of them didn't even have the standard bunny/cat ears. they just had bra and panties, perhaps a garter belt, and an unbuttoned shirt. i guess they had dressed up as uhhh...well, the announcer called them strippers. didn't hear them disagree.

i don't think that i'm a feminist. i feel like the majority of women should feel the way i do about these sorts of things and that it's not an extreme view to have. some people might get annoyed by this post, but they can suck my balls. i'm not being a sore loser (although mario and luigi will always reign supreme), and i'm not just dissin hos. but seein a group of guys gather around and drool over a half-naked chick asked to drop it low and shake her ass is just...it's whack, yo.

in other news, i still haven't had any luck with guys. i've settled for saying "i'm looking for a relationship" on a first date/meet and greet/whatever with a dude just to make things clear and get em out of the way. the most recent dude i had to let go because he didn't wanna give up the freedom to basically be with any girl he wants when he wants i guess. i can't think of any other reason. if ya don't want in my pants, but don't ultimately want a relationship, ehhh something's not adding up. he apparently liked me, but not enough to commit. committing is not the in thing these days. and i wouldn't want you to miss out on the half-naked chick droppin it low and shakin her ass. by all means, be free. there has to be a guy out there who will appreciate me, love me, and want only me. he's there, damnit. sometimes i honestly feel like i've looked past him because of my own stupidity...

tool

i called you that from the beginning. you look like a tool. you talk like a tool. i dunno why, but i keep thinking that guys like you deserve at least a small chance. i feel like i'm different from the girls you're used to, so you should treat me differently. and when you don't, what does that mean? i guess i've become the same as them. i guess i deserve for you to treat me like i'm disposable :/

i was a fool

and i'm still a fool. but this time a guy has made ME a pecan pie! so SUCK on THAT.

names that are awkward to say in bed

by: ashlee and arielle at 2am

john paul joseph senior (i dunno why you'd say his entire name in bed. ask arielle.)

lucas

pete

nathaniel

ed

arielle fell asleep.

this is a stupid blog.

i think i'm racist because i'm only finding darker skin to be immediately attractive at the moment.

wtf why is this guy talking to me? i ended things because i wanted to end them, not because i wanted to hear from you a month later.

it's not that i hold bitter feelings towards him. if i see him out and about, i might hit the gas though. impulses, yo.

ya know that awkward time when a romance fails and there's nothing going on with anyone...you know the time will be brief before a new wild one appears, but you still wonder who it will be and when. and then there they are. standing with their cell phone out, trynna get yo numba. another stupid one. i like those.

pecan pie

i have made yet another pecan pie and my intention is to finally give this one to him. i've already made two. before i had the chance to give him those, i ate them cause i lack self control and pecan pie is really delicious. what really sucks is that i made them for his birthday, which has come and gone. i'm so selfish. but i will not touch this pie because last night he told me that he liked me.

the little boys that try to play

i've had three guys rapid fire immediately decide to quit trying to pursue me and act like little titty babies because 1) they became aware that i liked someone that wasn't them and/or 2) i just flat out told them "no" when they tried to get into my pants.

ok, so about the first reason. as of today, 7/28/11, i like one dude. a month ago, i liked a different dude. months before that, i liked someone else. multiple someone elses. unfortunately (or fortunately), nothing worked out with any of the guys that i liked. they were all d bags :) what i'm trying to say is...time changes shit. what is meant to be will be. if you think that i'm not worth the effort and you wanna quit when i'm not interested in you at the moment, then...i really never will be interested in you! and you wonder why girls look past you?

and about the second reason. just NO, i don't want you like that. and one guy says to me, "you know, there are still some genuine guys like me left." before i can finish laughing my balls off (trust me, he was only about getting with me), i've already been unfriended. AW, MY SOUL!! looks like you're farther away from my pants than you were before, if that's possible. maybe try talking to the next girl like she's more than just a sex object and things might go more smoothly for you.

i'm a bee hotch and i'm full of myself. just waiting for someone, anyone to give me a heart boner.

i was just a conquest, and you're a dick

and it sucks that i have to keep what you did to myself and i can't fight it. in everyone else's eyes, and your own, you did no wrong. but you're a bitch. i didn't deserve to be treated like some ho. you'll get your comeuppance eventually. at least i hope so. unfair.

why i can't stop

i'm addicted.

frenemies

ever done this? on the surface, you smile. you talk, just to keep things friendly. but in reality, everything about them pisses you off. it's the same for them too. you know it, but they smile back. :) fuckin bitch.

i don't like you! i hate pretending!! so i won't anymore! get away from me! i could punch you!! i'm a bitch!! i always knew i would be. SO JUDGE ALL YOU WANT, KIDS, CAUSE YOU NEVER DID BECOME AN ASTRONAUT.

dear beautiful mixed man with the dreads

those long, beautiful dreads, UGH. what a gorgeous, gorgeous man. and when you told me that you're mixed black, puerto rican, and french, i just about died. that's my thing, man. mixed guys with long hair.

just wanna say that it sucks that you're back in new york. i don't know why you even decided to visit fredericksburg. i'm pretty certain that i'll never see you again.

but if in a few years, you find yourself without a life partner but desiring kids, you need to HIT ME UP. MM. our kids would be, i mean, Jesus. so willing to bear your children.

love,

ash

creepy yet true story

when i was two, i went to new york with my dad so that his side of the family could see me. somewhere along the trip, a lady put a curse on me. apparently she was jealous. i don't know of what. it seems like something to shrug off, i know, but my dad didn't. he got together a bunch of different things for some sort of ritual to lift the curse, but of course it freaked my mom out. she wouldn't allow my dad to go through with it. i suppose she was more afraid that what my dad would do could hurt me in some way. they're both christian.

anyway, i've often wondered just what exactly the curse was...not saying that i believe in it. they say something like that can't have power over you unless you give it power (if you believe in it). but what if i was cursed? with what? i bet i could make some guesses haha. what do you think?

but in one of my earliest memories, i recall laying on a bed in atlantic city and looking at the window curtain and noticing a pair of eyes. just staring at me. i think i just ended up falling asleep.

but some years later, i saw those eyes again as i passed through the hall in a different house. i looked towards a window and saw those eyes. just glaring. they didn't fade; they stayed and watched. i grabbed my mom and told her to go look for herself. she didn't see them. she just laughed and said, "i guess those eyes are just for you."

well, that's my creepy story before i pass out thanks to this nyquil. but eh, i'm just kinda waiting to see those eyes again...i feel like i'm past due for those bitches.

i'm sprung

oops, taken. damnit, not again! i'm going to do it right this time.

by waiting until i don't anymore. take your time, but i'll probably be long gone by conclusion.

in other news, i went on a date last weekend. his name was chris? i forget what he looks like. he just tried to get into my pants and i didn't bother saving his number. shame shame. NEXT.

i'm not a player, i just...crush a lot.

"why don't you drink??"

whenever someone asks me that, the question almost always seems as if it is dripping with disdain. it's as if they were asking, "what the fuck is wrong with you?" then i get the usual guesses.

it's just not the norm to abstain from drinking. i know that, and i have my reasons. if you cared enough, then i would tell you the reason why. to change the conversation, i usually just say, "i've had bad experiences with it."

the fact that it can be a social necessity sometimes bothers me. people who are drinking are uncomfortable around me, the sober one. i might be judging. i will be able to recount the next day all of the stupid shit you did. frankly, it can get lonely being the only sober one (when there's nothing to laugh at), so i can get uncomfortable too, ya know. what to do, what to do?

but i read a joke once by some anon who also didn't drink. it makes me feel better. they questioned why it's always such a big deal to know why one doesn't drink. because no one ever makes such an issue when someone confesses to never eating something like mayonnaise.

"you don't eat mayonnaise? why?? would you ever try mayonnaise? are you addicted to mayonnaise? is someone you love addicted to mayonnaise? is it ok if i eat mayonnaise?"

barely legal babes

this blossoming summer has brought into my work place a new wave of eighteen year old hotties just waiting to be nommed on...and have their hearts broken by me, ashlee: cougar in training. enjoy your little high school sweetheart while you still can. YOU'RE NEXT!

i'm gonna go see my dad soon

you know what happens when you take a ribbon or something and slowly wind it around your finger til you can't anymore, then let it go? that's what i feel like at this point in my life. shit is spiraling out of my control and i often find myself unable to think up a solution to set things straight again. i dunno what to do. i'm lost as shit. so...

it's been over five years since i've seen my dad. or heard his voice. if soulmates can be things other than romantic partners, then i believe that my dad and i are soulmates. i just feel an intensely strong attachment to him and always have. saying goodbye was always hell, and he wasn't even around often at all. i love him with everything in me, and i miss him terribly.

i feel like it's time that i finally see him. for years he refused, because he didn't want me to see him that way, which is understandable. but i think it's possible that it hurts me more to not see him...all i know is that i'm hurting the way things are now, and nothing i'm doing is changing that :/

however, seeing my dad will without a doubt turn me into an emotional wreck for a period of time. i know i won't be able to drive myself, so i asked joan of asia to go with me. if anyone can handle a breakdown, it'd be her. i love her for that. i'm happy that she said yes, and now we're planning. i just really hope that this is what i need. i've become so overrun with stress :( i need him.

he has no idea

how badly i wish the two of them would break up. but...he's not the one i want.

this blog is about you.

what a sleaze. how many people are you trying to go through? you're a liar. you cheat. and on top of that, you expect sympathy from your friends when you don't deserve it. for the life of me, i can't understand how they have been able to forgive you. look at yourself. look at who you've hurt. sorry to say, i'm not a forgiving person. you never really did me wrong. never gave you the chance. but what the hell is this where you can do the things you've done and get away with it?? fuck that! it's grudge holding time, and i'm damn good at it.

yes, this is about you. no, it's not about him. not her either. you. COME AT ME, BRO!!

a relationship..

sounds good. i just don't know with who. i miss being genuinely liked...the other stuff gets kinda boring eventually. but i also want to be able to not fall for the same type of guy that's just gonna hurt me. pretty, but a d bag. usually a ho. sucks.

but in the mean time, i still have my chocolate and peanut butter.

things could be different and i could be happier maybe

i dunno why you fell for me, but you did. i wanted to feel the same for you, but the feelings never came. i strung you along of course, maybe simply as a backup for when the other guys would make me cry. then i could cry on your shoulder.

i ended up rejecting you. after months of testing the waters and seeing if i could ever be in love with you, i gave up. but what if i hadn't? you wanted to provide everything for me. i could use a little of that now...

let's say i stayed. not the kind of happy i'd be looking for, right? pretending that i'd fallen? but maybe over time i would have gotten used to a new definition of happiness. i could have forced my mind to slowly dissolve my natural conceptions of love: constantly thinking about them, wanting them, caring for them to the point where i'd literally become fucking high.

a future with you, comfortable and having learned to be happy, i would have everything that i feel like i need right now. whenever you'd say "i love you," i would reply, "i love you too." perfect, right? and every time i spoke those words, there would linger somewhere locked away in my soul, or heart, or conscience of some sort, a nagging, forever present yet weakened whisper: "you lie."

nah...

fact.

ashlee native rivera harris:

infecting white people with jungle fever since 1988.

another blow to the self esteem

i'm beginning to think that second chances were a bullshit idea conjured up by a manipulator or user of some sort. as they say, fool me twice...

i don't like feeling unpretty, damnit!

rant blog, fucking go.

i am glad my eyes were opened tonight. there's nothing i hate more than being lied to, being used...i'm too fucking beautiful for this bullshit.

i can't stress this enough. where are the real people? why do i feel so fucking alone with how i believe that human fucking beings should act; how they should treat one another? for God's sake, life is hard enough without the people with fake smiles who aim to just tear your shit down and apart.

listen. i swear on everything in me that i will do my best to treat you with respect; to be honest with my actions and my words. i need the same from people i surround myself with. i've been through some shit. we all have. do you need this stress? i don't. i don't want to have to always question what's real and what's not. i just wanna fucking be happy. if you can't help me with that, then by all means, step the fuck out of my way.

and for those who i've found are good, genuine, humble people...you have no idea how much i appreciate how you live your life everyday. thank you so much for pulling back my faith in this world whenever it seems so close to burning out. thank you so much.

my nicknames at work so far

foxy brown

fro fro

foxy fro fro

foxy brown macy gray

and now: mama africa

wtf y'all? seriously? lmao

hittin on the bartender. ashlee's the bartender??

yeeeaaa i had to help out these three guys at the bar this afternoon. at first i was annoyed that i was bein asked to make 'em drinks when i clearly know nothing when it comes to alcohol, but i was honest with them and they were chill. they all got the same drink to make it easy on me and told me how to make it. they even helped me find the hennessy haha.

i guess they thought i was cute cause they hit on me the entire time. well, it was really only one in particular. he kept going on about how he was going to tip me well, and after a while that's all i was lookin forward to: seein if he would really make it rain or be a dick and back out. so i was nice and flirted back.

night goes on and the guy asks me if i have a twitter. i laughed cause i never go on that shit, but told him yea. so he says he's gonna follow me...alrighty.

finally they leave. guy doesn't press for my number or anything like most guys do. he just said he was gonna follow me on twitter, and then he said bye and peaced out.

end result: they made it rain, yay! i made good money tonight.

i'm home now and just logged onto twitter. turns out the dude did sign up to follow me! i went to check out his page and scrolled down through all of his tweets to around the time where he would have been at aladins with me.

"@baybag makes the best drinks . She could be wifey *_*"

:3 awww i'm all flattered and shit.

no good deed goes unpunished

what's up with that? too often recently i've been finding myself doing nice things for others only to have said others do something shitty to me in return.

do someone a favor that they take for granted, don't appreciate, and never attempt to return.

taking care of people at aladins, kissing their asses, and having them stiff you. or walk out.

sometimes i wonder what it is about me that makes people wanna jump at the chance to take advantage of me or hurt my feelings in some other way. i'm tired of it and am getting pissed as shit. usually i just try to let it go, but now i don't want to. i just wanna do the same bullshit to them, which is upsetting cause i know it means i'm stooping down to their level.

is it that hard to be a genuinely good person? that hard to be decent? you bitches.

self esteem sucks.

i'm prettier in the face. probably a cooler chick, too. i'll give myself that. but i have no chest. i lose.

the only person who called me beautiful tonight was some drunk old dude with jacked up teeth. i feel like that makes things worse, though i appreciate the compliment.

hahaha my self esteem is plummeting. what do i do? :/ wallow in self pity for a bit, s'pose.

my sex life and who i'd like to date

wow.

nice try, pervert.

highlight of my night

it's friday night at aladins. i'm running around, or at least trying to cause it's so crowded, when this guy i'm trying to squeeze by at the bar takes my hand and stops me. he says something like, "i've been wanting to tell you all night that you are really rockin that natural look, i love it and you are so beautiful."

i immediately lit up; i was so happy. i love getting random compliments like that; especially ones about my natural hair and saying that i look beautiful naturally. i'm like, THANK YOU, out of all of these scantily clad ladies out here, i stood out to you.

BUT ten minutes later, he runs into me in the hallway and comes out with the same compliments. i smile and say thank you again, and then he asks how old i am. when i tell him that i'm 22, he kinda grunts and says, "damn i'm about 20 years your senior. i'm 43."

that's cool, whatever, i gotta run. a few minutes later, he stops me at the bar again. then i'm thinkin, ok, this guy's drunk. he says the natural beauty thing again. then he asks me how old i am...again.

"i'm...22."

"damn, guess how old i am."

"43."

"i told you?"

yeaaaa off i go. i forget about the guy for a bit, until his buddy stops me at the bar. he has the same compliments to give, and is holding my hand and telling me his name. i'm thinking maybe he was introduced as the guy's son?

i didn't have time to hear the explanation fully cause gabby runs up and pulls me away while saying, "ASHLEE, I NEED YOU TO FIX MY HOOKAH."

"i just saved yo life." hahaha, yea you did, gabby.

last time i got a glimpse of the dude was when he managed to sneak in an ass-grab as he pushed by me while i was standing by the hostess station. all i could do was look at gabby in shock and say,

"he grabbed my ass...he just grabbed my ass!!"

fin.

my libido is slowly dying

and although i feel lonely, now i find it annoying when you pester me for dates.

time for random thoughts.

if i ever become famous, questionable photos of me will definitely surface.

holding hands is now the most intimate thing for me, and when someone takes my hand, it kinda shocks me actually. and then i feel all lovey.

even if people know that i don't drink, they still periodically freak out about it.

i think i'm attracted to people who aren't stable. emotionally and financially. i dunno why. i'm a glutton for some sort of hurt i suppose.

PUPPIES.

i don't understand why people play games when it comes to feelings. if i like someone, i tell them. if i don't, i tell them. i guess it's weird when you break the rules and just come out with a, "hey, i like you." which is stupid.

i'm afraid for charlie sheen.

i miss my dada ben.

yudi.

yudi.

today yudi molested my afro. he said he'd never had the opportunity to touch an afro like mine.

yudi and his cousin threw dollar bills on the dance floor at aladins.

yudi likes to drink hennesy and coke.

yudi is probably heading to maryland tonight. reason: "TRYNNA GET INTO SOMETHIN MAN LIKE AY YO IF YOU GOT FEMALES NIGGA MAN HIT EM UP ASK IF THEY FINNA GET INTO SOMETHIN MAN"

yudi is one crazy-ass mofo.

open relationships and other things i would and do fail at

i was talking to my good friend joe alexander tonight about scenes and rumors at aladins. i'm sure you all know by now that i work there. it's a fun place with awesome people. it can also be an un-fun place with douchebags and whores, but i suppose the same can be said for the rest of the world.

i admitted to him that aladins could look like a scene from hell on friday nights, and he was quick to agree. i'm all for fun and dancing. i've grinded on people too. never been serious about it, and i don't think i've looked too smutty doing it. everything good in moderation, right? but when i stop and take a look around, sometimes it's just way past moderation. it looks like sex; an uncontrollable orgy. it looks like hell; to me anyways.

that got me thinking about my own sexuality and what i could see myself doing without ultimately feeling like a piece of crap in the end.

open relationships

how are they done?? i feel like you'd have to be super mentally stable or the opposite to handle such a thing. sex is awesome-noted, and agree. but when you like someone enough that you both decide to commit to one another, that's a relationship, right? i can't imagine having a discussion that would go something like, "i really enjoy you, boyfriend. but you're free to have others, and so am i."

i will admit straight up that i would get insanely jealous in such a situation. there's no way that i wouldn't. therefore, i fail at open relationships. is that a bad thing?

orgies

just no. especially with random strangers. it seems like something i would do if was feeling super self-destructive and just wanted to maim my soul. i'm so monogamously inclined that it's bitter-tasting.

cheating

once again, fail. i'm so thankful that i've never been cheated on. i don't believe that one is able to cheat if there is no relationship established. cool. i just don't understand why someone would cheat. perhaps i could understand a single incident, however i am awesome at holding grudges and would be slow to forgive. but if you're unhappy in a situation, wouldn't you want to change it? why would you stay with someone just to sneak behind their back? it escapes me.

i apologize for the length of the blog. my mind is racing at 4am and i can't stop it. so those are some things that i would fail at. perhaps over time my thoughts on these things would change. maybe i need to just experience more and stop over-analyzing. oh well. tis life.

there's a certain whore that i miss

i don't know why. he was the best kiss i'd ever had. how many other girls has he kissed? undoubtedly hundreds. for some reason, i don't care. i just want another perfect whore kiss :(

i have about eight lovers and four boyfriends.

but i ain't gots no love :'(

next time i overhear someone in the act of sex...

i am going to stand close enough so as to be heard, wait a little while, and then yell out,

"100 COMBO!!!!!" and of course i'll applaud and whistle. everybody's watchin YOU!!

hahaha. sex should never be taken seriously. except of course for the times when it should be.